finally the holidays are over.

its 2008 and im kinda glad to see 2007 go. its been a long, strange year. so i celebrated with a non stop 2 day drinking binge.

i sure hope that this year has a little more to offer than 2007. last year i got arrested 3 times, moved out of my house, dropped out of school, met so many new people, did so many new things, got fired from one job twice (i still work there) worked at like 4 other different jobs, changed my hair cut and color like 12 times, i think i can afford to take it easy this time around.

i cant wait for things to get boring!

its been quite a while since ive written last. alot has been going on since then.

i failed a drug test and violated my probation so when i went to court they arrested me. i thought i was just going to a holding cell all night like i usually do but this time they put me on d-block in general population county prison. that was fun.

then i get out to learn that two family memebers died.

i was remanded back to probation so now i have to start all over again back at square one with probation and my program plan, which sucks but whatever at least its not jail. if that wasnt a kick in the balls i dont know what is.

on a brighter note, i moved out of my parents house about a month ago. im now living with dustin on top of finn macools. lifes pretty good.

im no longer selling chicken wings. i work at a turkish resturant now. everyone who works there is really nice and their english is pretty good except for the kitchen guys. but i have my friend sam who works there who grew up speaking turkish at home and engligh in school so he is my translator.

still working at the doctors office. thats where i am now. im suppsoed to be doing all this shit like scanning a million and a half pages but i just cant seem to motivate myself especially when nobody else is here.

im taking the next semester off of school and picking up a third job. hopefully maybe finn's would hire me. that would be cool. if not i guess i can always hit up starbucks, even though everyone who has ever worked there has lived to regret it.

i have been thinking about going to cosmetology school. but who knows. all i know is that i have the next semester off and im looking foward to it.

dustins 21st birthday is in january, right before my 20th, which means i need to find a fake ID before then or else i cant go anywhere with him. sombody lemme know please.

i gotta get back to work.

hopefully ill write again soon

dustin and i leave tomorrow morning for wisconsin.

cheap drinks.
buy one get one fireworks.
waterskiing.
fishing.
hooray!

yesterday i was sitting in my math class.

i took my notes.

i did my work.

about 5 minutes untill class was officially over, everyone was talking. books and notebooks were closed. my professor was in the back of the classroom talking to a student about taking tequila shots.

i made the horrible decision to pull out my compact and brush a little powder on my forehead.

the man gets up and fucking SCREAMS at me in front of the entire class about how innapropriate it was for me to "make myself up" during his class. i apologized tried to explain to him that i was under the impression that class was over. it could have been done right then and there, could have been over.

but no.

he then proceeded to go on and on and on for about 5 minutes (class is over at this point) about how inapropriate it was of me to put on powder (mind you, i did this at the same time he was discussing comsuming alcohol with an underaged student) in his class room. so i stayed quiet and said to myself whatever ill talk to him after class.

so i wait for the class to leave with the exception of my friends brittany and danielle who i was leaving with to go to the beach and approached my professor and tried to talk to him about the way he handled the situation. i said that i felt it was unnesessary how he handled it and he then began to yell IN MY FACE (he was so close that i could smell his breath, his spit was getting on my face and i had to take a step back) shoving his fingers in my face telling me that i had to "shut up" and would not let me even say a word. i said professor please just let me talk and he then said we'll solve the problem right now, dont come back to my class!

.......???

i was so furious at that point and absolutely appalled at the fact that a faculty member could conduct himself that manner inside the classroom towards a student that i walked out with him still screaming at me from inside the class room as i was down the hall. as soon as i got outside i took a deep breath and called the math department to file a complaint about him. whatever asshole picked up the phone on the other line actually put me on the phone with my professor who then began to yell into the phone about how i was out of line, still not allowing me to get a word in edgewise, told me enver to come back to his class and then HUNG UP ON ME. i felt like i was dealing with a 14 year old. So danielle calls the math office to complain about all this (she had a prior incident with him as well) and he hung up on her.

there was nothing i could do at this point but call dr. chin, the dean of math and sciences, and complain. i told him the story, and he said that he would speak with my professor and get back to me. about 3 hours later he calls me back and says that he spoke with my professor, and he said i had two choices. i either make an apology to him, or i fail. i dont even think this is legal! my professor failed to mention to the dean about what happened when i approached him asfter the class, and what happened after i called the math office. he just, forgot to mention it, i guess?

the dean then told me that this was a problem that i had to work out between myself and my professor. and i told him no, it wasnt, i am a student complaining about a professor who invaded a students personal space in a threatening manner, was acting ridiculous and out of line. now its in the schools hands. he said there was nothing they could do. how could they possibly try to just brush this under the table, this is serious. where is a student supposed to go when she feels so utterly unconfortable in a classroom that had her teacher not already thrown her out, she would never want to go back? who are students supposed to be able to rely on to protect their rights, or turn to when they have a problem, if the school wont do anything about it and refuses to control the way their faculty members conduct themselves in the classroom? or if my teacher does let me back in the class (cuz im sure as shit not apologizing for the way he acted), wont this affect my grade? the 20% classroom participation that the teacher does not need to explain? and how will we ever even know if it was affected or not?

i spoke to another friend of mine, also a NCC student, and she had a problenm with him her first year at nassau, just of a different nature. i visited ratemyprofessors.com to see what other students said about him, and this is apparently an ongoing problem with him.

i am just so upset at this entire situation. i am an adult, not a child. a teacher should never have spoken to me the way he did. i pay to attend this class, pay alot, and i shouldnt have to lose all this money because one teacher cannot control himself and tossed me out due to a ridiculous situation.

does anyone have any thoughts on this, or know where i can go to for help about this situation?

so i came very close to passing out in the office today. i havn't done that since i was in high school, and then i used to do it all the time.

i was standing in the examination room with scott while a patient was in there and then all of a sudden i got very very hot, i felt everything drain from my face, and things got all fuzzy and i could barely see. i said to him "i gotta go sit down" and he just looked at me startled(i was fine when i went in then two minutes later i was white as a sheet to the point where i was almost blue) and was like are you alright? then helped me out of the room. i was all shakey and shit and tried to explain what was happening and he figured out what it was and apparently my heart slows down randomly really quickly and thats why i pass out. the same thing has happened to him. at least this time it happened in a doctors office as opposed to on top of a pregnant science teacher.

that means that everytime this would happen in high school while i was taking all those drugs, i had come dangerously close to stopping my heart.

thats what youd call an eye opener.

i just read online that two children, one 11 months and one 22 months were taken from their parents due to negligence.

because they weer too busy playing "dungeons and dragons" online to feed them.

why arent people like this sterylized?

is there anyone out there who knows what its like, to be left by your best friend, for some guy?

does anyone know how it feels?

now i guess since she has her boyfriend, has her car, graduated high school, shes all grown up and doesnt need anyone but him.

i just wish she knew how she was making me feel.
and i wish that i knew she would even care.

i wish she could realize who was there before, and whose still going to be there after.

yeah.

babysitting.

i was so excited to get to sleep in till 10 tomorrow, but then i find out that i have court for the wreckless driving ticket tomorrow morning at 9, which translates out to you get there at 8 and wait on line if u ever want to gget out of there.

bahh. at least im going to brooklyn tomorrow night, that should be fun. joey weiss and morgan are having a party at there new space (which apparently used to be a mechanics shop) and im just gonna celebrate the weekend.

im going to go watch cinderella. later gators.

the wings place i applied to just called me back and wants to set up an appt for either tomorrow or monday.

wish me luck!

im slowly coming out of my funk about life. no longer am i in a constant state of worry and unhappiness and just plain bad mood.

the other night i didnt think about anything and just had a good time at jeremys. we got some beers, watched "im gonna git you sucka" (which is an awsome movie) then called some people to come over (his parents are gone till monday). jane and cailin arrived shortly thereafter relieving me of lone-female status which is cool cuz i never get to hang out with them anymore and just get wasted. had awsome sex (thanks to jeremy and the shiny vibrating gift he gave us), then proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced untill about 5:30 in the morning when we finally left. only problem was i had summer school at 8 and it would have been pointless for me to sleep, cuz i never would have woken up in time. so i just stayed awake. i sobered up about halfway through class (revelling in the face that i got a fucking 81% on that math test), went home, and went to sleep till about 6 when elaina picked me up.

i got dinner with brian, then it started pouring rain so i sat under the northwinds awning with bushie till we got the balls to run to his car (of which every window was left open so we were wet no matter what), picked up dustin and avi and went back to bushies house. we watched boondock saints and found all his airsoft and pellett guns and ran around his front yard shooting eachother till it was time to go see happy potter!

i went home after that, at like midnight, got a good nights sleep, woke up, went to school and am now at work waiting for 4 o'clock.

i wonder what im going to do today?

maybe......find a job?

so i have a math test in an hour and a half. its on logic and set theory which isnt even math.

i fucking hate math.

i just can't do it. i dont know whats wrong with me but when it comes to numbers or anything math related, i suddenly become retarded and incapable of any and all rational, logical thought. luckily for me jeremy is a math genious and was actually willing to sit down with me last night and help me for like an hour, and even more luckily for me is that jeremy is an awsome fucking teacher and i now have an understanding of what im actually doing a feel almost prepared for this test. i have NEVER felt prepared for a math test before in my LIFE. its an awsome feeling.

i just really dont want to take it at 8 in the morning when i have been sick and throwing up since last night.

i have absolutely been overrun by boredom.

the next job i find (heh) had better be more intelectually stimulating or else i dont know what im going to do.

what CAN i do?

so yesterday i witnessed my mother playing beerpong with us in our garage.

i swear im living in the fucking twilight zone...

it was a mistake opening a bank account for dustin. i knew i shouldnt have done it even before i did it, but now its just a headache and the source for more fights.

i only make $180 a week. everyweek i put at least $100 into the account and never take any out. every time i spend even a dollar, he yells at me for spending money unnecessarily. then i go online to check my transaction history and dustin has been making $20 and $40 charges on the debit card. so hes spending all this money on top of the cash that he never even puts in.

his excuse is that when he takes out money he spends it on him AND me, and that since he makes so much more money than i do, that he can spend whatever he wants.

but then why do i get bitched at for spending the money that i make?

i still need to find a new job. Anyone know of anything that would hire a little girl with peircings and blue hair? because i plan on dying my hair as soon as my cousins wedding is over.

i hate summer school.

i need to find a new job.

elaina and i had a girls only night. when i say girls only, i mean, caitlyn and elaina only. for such a quiet night (i drank a bottle of red wine in 20 minutes and passed the fuck out) we encountered the most interesting of characters.

it all started on the way into her apartment on te subway. we were on the subway ad some drunk bitch is yelling at the top of her lungs about new york, asking everyone who would listen if they were from new york. then on after we transferred we were waiting for the 6 and noticed some drunk asian guy who was falling and dropping his phone. he gets off at the net stop and all of a sudden is in a fist fight outside of the train and gets thrown up against the subway. the train pulled away before we could see what happened but it was funny just the same, everyone on the subway ran up to the window and was yelling "YEAHH GOOO" at them.

the next morning, after waking up wasted and finally sobering up as we met suzy at work on st marks, some guy goes into the porn shop next where we were hanging out and comes out of the peep booths in the back asking for a napkin or paper towels because he had the "5 fingers of death" and would rather do it himself.

we then proceeded to take the subway back to the apartment and i got in a fight with some 50 year old woman. over my fucking bullet belt. she was so incredably offended by my bullet belt that she felt the need to loudly verbalize how she felt. she got on the train and immediatly began yelling at me about it. actually yelling. shes fucking standing there getting in my face (obviously NOT from NYC because she would have known better thatn to get in a strangers face about anything on a subway) yelling that i was "obviously a convict" because apparently only a convict would wear that belt and even worse yelling that i was going to blow up the subway! you dont fucking yell about blowing up a subway in new york in this time and day. i could have gotten fucking arrested for that shit, and all i did was get on a train to go home. needless to say, she was wearing silver metallic sandals with SOCKS. shes fucking standing there like ARE YOU GOING TO BLOW UP THE SUBWAY SHES GOING TO BLO UP THE SUBWAY! and im just like well then youd better not stand that close in that case. shes like ill stand where ever i want. i told her that she was being ridiculous and completely out of line (everyone on the subway was laughing at her). she wasnt even a crazy person. she was a normal woman who was probably in thjer city for the day with her husband (who also was yelling at me) theyre both standing there saying "they should send her to iraq then see how she feels about that belt" i mean jesus fucking christ, its a goddamn belt!! this all escalates into a screaming match to the point where i just wanna take off my belt and crack her in the mouth with it. it was crazy. she and her nusnad are crazy assholes and i hope they got run over by the next subway after they fell through the gap like tourists do.

then on the way home we met this guy in penn station who was from indiana and cae up to us and started a conversation (about how much he liked my belt, nonetheless). turns out hes an artist and directo a promotes chubbfest in iniana every year for the last 20 years. he carried arounf a bag of pot in his sock . he was awsome and we got his phone number. we could figure out if he was legit or just crazy so we googles him and apparently hes legit so thats awsome.

it was just the weirdest 2 days. people are strange.


only in new york dude.


(pee ess, the guy standing next tp us in the subway when that woman and her husband were yelling at me, leaned over and said "I LIKE your belt. AND i love your shoelaces". at least theres some normal people out there.)

as if this past weeks hasnt been one of the worst weeks of my life, Scott just fired me from the practice because i didnt call to tell them i was coming in friday.

I WAS IN JAIL.

what the fuck was i supposed to do? use my one phone call at 3 in the morning to call them (laura would have screamed at me even if i had called that late then hung up anyway) and not my mother? i had bigger fish to fry. plus i told dustin as i was getting into the cop car to tell his father what exactly was going on and that i wasnt going to be there friday morning. he fucking forgot, because i can't rely on him for shit.

now on top of everything that im already dealing with, especially when it comes to paying my parents back for the thousands that i owe them at this point, i need to find a new job.

what am i going to do...